Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in francesca's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, September 30th, 2003
5:55 pm	francesca waves the white flag. theraputic or not...this is really going nowhere. i've decided to leave this journal, not on account of another massive personality overhaul, a need of change, or a depressed spell, but...it just seems like the logical thing to do. i really don't use it anymore. therefore...farewell to all. it's been luverly. (PSSST! inside informatin. http://freewebs.com/newamsterdam) not done yet. clever under construction page. oh yeah. -grace (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 28th, 2003
12:43 am	francesca feels alive for once tonight, i am unholy, dirty, and beautiful. -grace Current Music: times of our lives (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 24th, 2003
6:54 am	francesca really won't be here. isn't she witty. hiatus'd! flex camp for the next three days. i'm pumped. my four best friends with me, not to mention the boy i'm madly in love with. i'm such a cliche. -grace Current Music: you wrap your arms around me (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 21st, 2003
1:51 pm	francesca posts an update. finally. well, i've neglected you for a long time now, haven't i? my sincere apologies about my last entry. i don't know why i suddenly felt so angsty and self absorbed, but i'm slightly glad in a way, because the comments really put some sense in me. i shouldn't be complaining about the way i am, because it's the way i am. so thank you, guys. carmin came over yesterday, and somehow, he managed to make having a stuffy nose, the sniffles, cramps, that time of the month, and a lurking cough turn out really, really pleasant. we watched monty python and the quest for the holy grail, took ben for a walk, watched a korean movie on the multi-cultural chanel and imposed our own plot lines, and watched soccer with my dad when they got back home. we ended the visit by going up to my room and just cuddling, waiting for his mom to swing by and pick him up. i could never remember feeling such safety, and love, and security just by cuddling with someone, and it almost made me feel as though i was seven years old again. we both nearly fell asleep to the rhythm of each others breathing and the ceiling fan going at high speed. it was nice. my mom kept checking in on us, becasuse, as per usual, she was antsy about leaving us alone together, in all our oxymoroness, in the house. she thinks that everytime we're alone, we decide to strip down and have all out sex. over that, she thinks that carmin's going to force me to do something i don't want to do, and i'm going to let him because i love him too much. every time i tell her how incredibly wrong she is about this, i can't help feeling like a hypocrite, considering that was sort of the case with rich (who now has taken to grinning at me in the hallways in a really creepy fashion, that makes me feel sick to my stomach), if you count the "because i love him too much" as a "i don't want to stop him considering every time i do, he rants about how suicidal he is, and that freaks me out". but carmin is always worried about going too far, or moving too fast, and so am i. we're both sensitive around that, and so far, we're both comfortable. i really can't see mom's suspicions happening in the near future. and if they do, i've learned my lesson. i'd be able to tell somebody. really no other news, except that i'm still feeling under the weather. a stuffy nose is the most annoying form of sickness that i've ever had, and paired with a raging headache and an on and off period, not to mention the math homework, french homework, and chocolate selling that i have to do later on...let's just say it hasn't been the greatest day. but the memory of yesterday makes me slightly more optimistic, so i'm not just wallowing in my own self pity. like last entry. -smile- -grace Current Music: you put your arms around me (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 9th, 2003
4:51 pm	francesca is frightened i honestly feel like every time someone new comes into my life, i get swept away with them, and everything gets left behind. i try to be them, to mold myself into their shadow, and be with them all the time. and if my other friends miss me? well, they still see me. hey, if they really miss me that much, they can follow me around, the way i'm following my new obsession around, right? right? i had a minor, mental breakdown yesterday. we were in gym class, and we were fooling around whilst playing tennis, considering the handle is called a "shaft" and we were hitting "balls". it was immature, and it was fun. we knew we were being idiots. i was able to do a few tennis tricks, and someone made a crack about how i was an expert "shaft handler." i grinned and said smugly "yeah. yeah, i'm quite the expert at handling shafts." and then kayla laughed and said "how could you not be? you dated rich!" no one batted an eyelid. i promised i'd kill her later, and the banter returned to normal, but i was removed from it. i just suddenly lost the will to fool around and talk about shaft handling. it really didn't seem all that funny any more. during french, i took my notebook, flipped it to the last page, and began writing "this is only a phase" over and over again, in bright red ink. carlos turned around, saw what i was writing, and tried to question me on it, until kayla stopped him. he protested that i was writing the same phrase over and over again, and she replied "that's because she's insane." and it was funny. carlos laughed. kayla laughed. margaret laughed. but i didn't say a word. i kept thinking that maybe if i wrote it down that many times, it would be true, and i'd move on. suddenly, near the end of the page, i started scribbling in large letters; stop hiding behind your newsies, your twenties, your rapist ex, your sleaziness, your self pity, your old fasioned names, your popularity, your drama, your fucking converse sneakers! you are a slut! you are a slut! you are a fucking slut! it was the weirdest feeling, it felt like my fingers were writing on their own. i kept writing. you fucking slut, you are worth nothing. you abandon your friends, you abandon your family, you think you're so fucking innocent, so fucking worldly, so fucking WHORE! WHORE! fucking slut. slutty harlot prostitue worldly sleaze sex fiend nymphomaniac slut abandoner social ladder prep slut slut slut. i paused for a moment, before remembering the make-believe names carmin and i gave to each other. i called him "stud muffin" and he had called me "sex kitten." sex kitten sex kitten sex kitten sex kitten sex kitten sex kitten sex kitten sex kitten sex kitten sex kitten sex kitten sex kitten sex kitten sex kitten sex kitten sex kitten sex kitten sex kitten sex kitten sex kitten sex kitten sex kitten finally, the page was full, and the lesson had started. kayla caught a glimpse of the notebook, and spent the rest of the day telling me that i was not a slut, especially compared to some of the people she knew. but she missed the point. it wasn't just sex i was talking about, it was everything. how i seem to go through things, days, and even people, and then suddenly drop them when i don't want to talk to them any more. i'm a slut for life, and i find that i hate attatchments. i hate commitment. i hate being tied down to something, for fear i might hate it later on. slut slut slut. i haven't talked to sarah taylor in days, because i'm afraid of picking up the phone to call her, or even replying to her fucking live journal messages! i'm avoiding the pirates of the caribbean date, avoiding buffy nights and phone calls, and pausing before agreeing to hang out with kayla after school. i'm so frightened, and i don't know what to do. i really don't know what to do. i read tea's entry, and almost threw up, because i knew it concerned me in a very. big. way. i'm not calling her, i'm not doing anything, except for sitting in my room pitying myself because i have it so bad. well i don't! i can't hide behind my angst. yes, i was pushed farther than i wanted to go with rich. and i didn't do anything about it. i didn't take extensive measures to stop it from happening, because secretly, i think i wanted something to be pitied about. i wanted some kind of excuse to get attention, and i got it. and now i'm stretching it as far as it will go. well i can't any more! life goes on, but i can't fucking accept that. i can't fucking accept ANYTHING anymore. i make up all these little worlds in my head, where i'm a lone heroine, with no one, except for maybe the one true person that i'm so in love with. but only them. everyone else has abandoned me. it's my own twisted self pity fest, and i hate it, and i want it to stop, but i can't. i can't stop myself from over dramatizing everything. i wrote a song about a girl who overdramatizes, and stretches out events until she's milked all the sympathy she can from them. it took me a month to realize that it was me i was writing about. i want to change schools, change lives, change countries...i want to start again, so i can start out as a slut and remain a slut. i want to be a life slut with no consciounce. i don't want to have to remain committed, i want to let go and be me, and be worldly and wise and everything besides, but i just can't break ties with the people i know. i love these people so much, but i can't bring myself to believe that. the only thing i can really believe right now is carmin, and i don't even know if i can believe my own self when i say that. i just know that there is no time in the day when i wouldn't rather be with him, and when i am with him, everything goes too fast for me to catch onto and hold and keep. i can't even remember the majority of things we talk about. i just remember him. and i really don't know if that's love or insanity. and it's not like i can go to him so he can talk to me and make it better, because it only makes things worse. it only makes me want to become more of a slut and tear something and rip something and cut peoples lives open, make a nice nest for myself, establish some memories, then fly away and pretend they don't exist anymore. and i don't want to be like that. but it's what i am. oh god...i feel sick. i want to type what needs to be said, so badly, but i can't. because i don't want to spread things around. i hate people knowing about what i've done, and being able to tell other people...i don't want to be that typical. but i am. i am so fucking typical, and i hate it. last night, twenty minutes before hurriedly dressing and leaving for dance class. -grace Current Music: all my life i've tried to be good (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 6th, 2003
2:54 pm	francesca is hyper nothing gets me hyper like a rainstorm. and this is a rainstorm. my brother and i went out front, and started dancing in the street, which got me thinking of the bowie song of course. so i was singing it at the top of my lungs. in the rain. and this isn't just rain...this is freaking pouring rain. and just as i had finished the third cartwheel in the row, the loudest thunder i had ever heard rips across the sky, as a flash lights up the entire street. we ran for the house, screaming like headless chickens. this is life. Current Music: times of our lives (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 3rd, 2003
6:25 pm	francesca is suddenly emotional i had almost forgotten what it was like to be the less receptive one in the class, always messing up on steps or having to pretend to know what their doing in some sort of vain attempt to save their dignity. but now i've gone back to ballet, for finding my "core strength" as fascist-dance-teacher calls it, and i feel so out of place. the moves don't come as naturally as everything else, i feel so stiff and awkward, almost like my "core strength" doesn't exist and i have to pretend it does. so, of course, on the way back, i was rather reclusive and didn't say much, even though my mom was feeling very chatty. i went up to my room, looked at the computer, and realized that i had played "what a good boy" that morning, to get my spirits up. so, i played it again, just as david (a friend from gotta sing gotta dance) and i started chatting. and all of a sudden, i just broke down in a torrent of tears. i think i had my hopes up that carmin might be online, and i could start up a conversation with him about anything and nothing at all, because i always come out of conversations with him feeling relatively better, even if there's no solution to my problem. but...he wasn't. and then the fact that david was online made me feel nostalgic, and...voila. i'm a human fog horn. i didn't even realize what it was until half way through "what a godo boy", and it's this: i miss gotta sing gotta dance. i miss it so much. going to see the august session of it, and getting my video back...all the feelings that i didn't cry out on closing night started piling up, and i guess this talking to david on an emotionally stretching first day of school just undid all the corset ties i had 'round my feelings. really, i've hardly seen any of them at all. especially david and tea, who were my best friends in the program. and it almost feels as though the connection we had during july is almost non-existant...all our plans to get together have been shot down. even just going to a movie together. gotta sing gotta dance was to me, as earth arts was to kayla. and it really hurts, knowing that i probably won't see them again, i can only hold cutesy MSN conversations with david, and see tea at buffy nights. i think going back to school and really missing out on the connection that i've grown accustomed to, whenever i'm dealing with that many hours and a number of people, really shattered me. and then ballet, sitting there in my electric blue fishnets and capris while girls in white stockings and black bodysuits chatted, just made everything worse. i want to go home. -grace Current Mood: moody (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 30th, 2003
10:29 pm	francesca talks about her "image" and songs that are imperative to your life. i've always liked to think that i'm "mysterious". read: no one really knows what's going on with me, there are a lot of things about me that you can't make sense of, but all in all, it's intriguing, and attractive. it seems as though i just...know things, that everyone else realizes months later. just because i'm intuitive. in reality, i'm really not all that mysterious at all. i can get so excited about things that friends and i have in common, you can't stop the stories, theories, or explanations flying from my mouth. i'm really not intuitive at all, and have to have my friends explain things to me, and a certain few of them can get very condescending, which makes it all the more embarassing and depressing. and there are a lot of things that don't make sense about me, but not in the cool, mysterious way. just in the stupid way. i'm working on it. the last couple of months, i've suddenly found myself crazy over anything vintage. shawls, hats, old theatre posters, dresses from the forties...if it was used or styled after anything pre-sixties, i'm your man. er...girl. only problem is, that while i have a large reference of super thrift stores, they don't exactly have what i'm looking for. sure, i can go there and get plaid pants and all sorts of wonderful things that i love very much, but...the flapper dresses, and the cloche hats, and the old antique shawls...just not happening. tonight, i spent about three hours cleaning out my bookcase and chest of drawers. tomorrow, i finish organizing the mess on the floor, clean out under my bed and dresser. and work on my desk a little bit. then we're going to move the bookcase from my room, so i'll have some well deserved space, and improvise from there. mom has promised all sorts of wonderful things, like lace curtains, cool patch fabric for shawls, china dolls, knick knacks...i can really hardly wait. it'll mean saying goodbye to goofiness...my fire-truck red walls with the chalk drawings on them, and the huge british flag mural...not to mention i can't let my room get super messy, otherwise it takes away from the whole look. but... old theatre posters. old. theatre. posters. everywhere. on the walls, over the bed, on the door, everywhere. paint over the silly graffiti that i tried to make look so cool, a new ceiling without the badly worded quotes...candles, david usher photographs, lace lace lace velvet velvet velvet artsy artsy twenties flapper forties david usher artsy artsy candles theatre posters... in other words, i'll have something to look forwards too. if i can't be mysterious and old fashioned, at least i'll have a room that's mysterious and old fashioned. in other news: songs that are imperative to your sanity. or insanity. which ever way you swing, baby. unholy, dirty, and beautiful - david usher is the only artist i know that includes opera and violins in his songs. absolutely beautiful. very creepy, sorta old fashioned...you can see the dusty old ball room with the waltzing couples. times of our lives - david usher performed this at the concert in charlottetown before it was actually released. and, of course, it was my favourite. so i had to go search all over the internet for it, only to find it had a very vague name that connected only slightly with the song. i'm speechless over this one, i burst into tears when i realized what i had downloaded. a good life song. babyskin tattoo - really cute. well...when i tried to quote it, it just sounded depressing...but it's really cute. thaeter - my first marilyn manson song. 0.0 i know it's hard to believe, i'm not a big fan of this guy. but this one doesn't have any lyrics, just a wind up movie sound in the background, and this creepy sort of violin ditty over it...very cool. mysterious and old fashioned. just don't try to picture anything to go along with the music, you'll get nightmares. ... but the most important bit of news of all: found an old brownie hat that has a patch on it which states "Super cookie seller." joy. shoo. go download. shoo. -flaps hands at you- -grace Current Music: times of our lives (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 20th, 2003
10:54 am	francesca is infatuated. again. oh man. i so wanna be a pirate. you can guess what prompted that li'l imprompt-oo. i went to see pirates of the caribbean with kayla yesterday, before going to see "the king and i" at theatre under the stars with dad. pirates of the caribbean i greatly enjoyed, but i think most of that enjoyment was derived from the imagery, the costumes, and, of course, johnny depp, who was too brilliant for words in this li'l ol' disney film. he's a very, very, very good actor, and i am insanely jealous of the skill he possesses. and the clothing. i wonder if they get to keep their costumes after the movie's through... orlando bloom didn't make quite as good a show as i thought he might. his character was modelled greatly after legolas, the very noble, upstanding lover. i thought it was kind of sad he didn't get the oppurtunity to show off some good acting skills, considering most of his lines were things like "i would die for her." how do you say that sort of line, and make it different then the twenty thousand other times it's been said in twenty thousand other movies? not that orlando bloom's a bad actor. in my opinion, he's not quite as good as johnny depp (simply because johnny depp has become my current infatuation), but he just didn't get much oppurtunity to show that in this film. i thought his character was...well...kinda boring. to put it lightly. the only time he amused me was those few moments where he got to make a sort of funny face, and at captain jack sparrows hanging. hmm...even though he hasn't had much chance to play an interesting character, orlie hasn't, i'm still insanely jealous of him. think about it. his two big break through films he does, are action films. action films. he gets to do brilliant fight scenes with famous actors, which i long to do so badly, aaaaaand he has women and gay men all over the country lusting after him. I WANT WOMEN AND GAY MEN ALL OVER THE COUNTRY LUSTING AFTER ME. yet, i digress. however, i can do that in journal entries, for you don't have to be reading this. ahhhhh...my conscience is clear. speaking of supersized cokes, mondie's off to college. i didn't realise she was going until i got a word in with her on one of shade's AIM conversations. it sorta freaked me out. mondie always seemed very high school to me, very uplifting and cheery and hyper. and, of course, obsessed with aaron lohr. and now she's in college. ga-iee. i hope we'll still be able to talk sometime. she's really been a support and friend to me throughout times of thick teenage angst, and i appreciate it more than i can put into words. it also makes me envious, (i'm envious a lot), because, as we all know, i only have a very loose plan for after high school, and two years which i need to fill up with some kind of work experience, but...nothing. sometimes, i really do wish i was a pirate. their lives would probably be a lot funner than working at a mcdonalds for two years. arrrrrr... -grace Current Music: the mario (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, August 11th, 2003
9:04 am	francesca isn't here closed. i'm off to port townsend for camping. and possible hat buying, if the price isn't too high. wish me luck. when i return, i will have an ultra cool hat. -nod- drink deep -grace Current Music: change (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, August 8th, 2003
3:10 pm	francesca is angsty with all the drama of a fifteen year old the david usher official page containing music videos, tour dates, galleries, and street team information is down. and with it, my life. -dramatic sigh- despite that, today hasn't been all that bad. went down to the drive for pizza and walking. that's really all i do on the drive, eat pizza, pretend to look like i'm going somewhere, walk up to the starbucks, dive into the escents shop, and when i come out, walk back home. i rarely have the money to buy anything, or the time to not buy a coffee with my nonexistant money and just linger, watching the activity...so i do that while i'm walking. i watch people going by, at the risk of being sworn at by some of the defensive ones, and occasionally dive into a little shop to look around and pretend i have all the money it takes to buy everything in the whole freaking place. it's just i don't want to. then it's back home for another draining bout of wrestling with this writers block, disappointment at the fact that i haven't got any new reviews on a lot of my updated fiction, disappointment that i should feel disappointment at such a trivial thing, and maybe some sleep and iced tea. when i don't have school keeping me occupied, i'm quite uninteresting, really. i had another fit of nerves this morning when it hit me that i don't know what i want to do after high school. i'm getting these fits more often than usual, for some reason. i went online yesterday to see if there was anything that was appealing, and i found a college in brooklyn that offers an art course. from the photos, it looks beautiful, like an old abandoned building that's been spruced up to hold students. and i could really get into that. only problem was, none of the courses sound particularily like something i want to do. i don't even know what i want to do, only thing i know is that when i see it, i'll get this funny feeling in the pit of my stomach and realise how absolutely wonderful it sounds, and do whatever i can to try and reach it. kinda like falling in love, i guess, but...not so cheesy. of course, i went to check out studio 58 and langera, after hearing so many good things about it. and a lot of aspects do seem great, like how their students usually get acting jobs no later than 6 months after they graduate, and how much they focus on developing characters, improvisation, and everything i'm interested in drama wise. the setbacks were these: i have to be financially prepared, which i know i'm not. i don't even have a college fund, and i was too afraid to check out the fees. there's literally no time for a job on the side. the day starts at 8:30 and usually dwindles down by about 11:00 pm. this is a long, fricking day. more than fourteen hours. and there are no weekends. i know i'm dedicated enough, and i love drama enough, but there's the issue about the job again. how am i going to be able to raise enough money for this, and keep myself fed, sheltered, clothed, and sufficiently happy at the same time? the last isn't such a biggie, but still a setback. it's the fact that you have to do two terms of backstage work before you can start studying drama. this is reasonable, if you're an actor, you're obviously going to have to be doing a lot of inbetween scenes backstage help. however, a fifteen hour day of backstage work? when i don't really want to be doing it at all? that doesn't exactly sound like a whole lot of fun to me. i'm going back to the langara page to study everything over again, and see if there's any way i can manage to work around these things. because, despite the setbacks, i'd love to be able to experience that. i get so nervous sometimes, about the future. someone once told me never to let money, a geographic location, or peoples opinions stop me from doing what i want. which is incredibly good advice, but much easier said than done. i want to get my schooling done with fairly early in my lifetime, so i don't feel like i'm bound to something later on, and with a job as flexible as an actor, it's something i'd love to do. but if i don't have the money for it, two or three years are spent working towards saving up enough money for fees, maybe a change of scene, and (if it's studio 58) enough money to keep me taken care of for the next year. and what if i'm not able to raise the money? it means i'm stuck, floundering with a bunch of money that i won't know what to do with, and will eventually get wasted on rent and junk food and things i find i don't need. i don't want to turn into a waitress who lives for the moments she can come home and watch that 70s show. i don't want to end up living for fear of death. i want to live for the love of living! but dammit, that can be difficult sometimes. -grace Current Music: morning orbit - david usher (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 30th, 2003
11:23 pm	francesca has a sunburn from stage lights dear tajes beauty is an elusive thing. we strive for it. we try to buy it, fake it, forge it, and package it. and after a lifetime of searching for "perfection", we realise that true beauty is nothing but the soul of an individual. it can not, indeed, be bought. and, after three weeks in your company, i can truly say that you are a beautiful, beautiful person. tajes, stay exactly the way you are, and don't let anyone try to tell you differently. 'cause i know best. cheers to music, here's to life. drink deep. love grace. a few tears. a lot of laughs. a few mistakes. a few scattered bits of costume. a few old time friends dropping by to say hello. a few good lines. a few classic jokes. and a few extra cuddles with david and sarah. and an entire song between my two best friends, hands clenched and arms around each others waists, tears streaming down my face, grinning and crying and laughing all at the same time. now, an empty room and a computer, and a few good memories... -grace Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: closing time (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 29th, 2003
11:30 pm	francesca is drained well. i'm pissed off. actually, that's a bold faced lie. it makes it seem as though what i'm feeling right now is a simple emotion. i'm actually feeling a great bundle of things. pride and joy, for one, for we just finished the first show of "see you later, litigator", and it went amazingly. i had so much fun, and i got a lot of free hugs, which is always a good way to end a day. especially when two of your three best friends are men, who, for some reason, give excellent hugs. i got a lot of them. secondly, exhaustion. two and a half hours of dancing, acting, singing, standing, and running from wing to wing can make you feel physically bruised and battered all over. not to mention, my vocal chords feel as though their sandpaper. i'm going to have to make some tea before bed, and pray that my voice will hold out for two more shows tomorrow. thirdly, and foremostly, fucking anger. i got home, and called kayla to make arrangements for her to get back and forth to the matinee tomorrow. and guess what. we get into an argument. at first, i thought we were just going to get the arrangements gone, wish each other good night, and go to sleep happy. but the next thing i know, she's yelling at me, because her parents won't let her take the bus, and two people have cancelled on her. she said she was so stressed out for the past two days, and i wasn't giving her any support. fucking hell. okay, kayla, give me your definition of support. how about eagerly listening to stories about matt? and phoning you before, surrounding, and after what you thought would be a tough break up? how about holding lengthy phone conversations when we were both too tired to get together? how about fucking confiding to you about carmin and being confided in about matt? how about sympathizing and trying to help out with every little problem you mention? is that suddenly not supportive? because if it isn't, you're going to have a hell of a hard time finding someone who is supportive. i don't think i quite fill the requirements. secondly: two days? i've been stressed out for two fucking weeks. and i have never. ever. ever taken that out on you. so don't turn around and yell at me because two people have cancelled on you. when i come home and hide out in the washroom so i can cry my eyes out, i don't phone you and yell at you. when the instructors make me feel like shit, i don't phone you and yell at you. when i feel as though i'd rather die than endure the tension for the last couple of weeks, i don't phone you and yell at you. i think it over, and calm myself down. so don't turn around and yell at me because two people have cancelled on you. i know you've been going through a lot lately, and i understand that. i'm sympathetic to your problems, and i want to help you out. but please, don't start spazzing at me for something i didn't do. after a long day of tears and sweat, the last thing i need is an argument with you. thinking things over? i'm not sorry. not at all. i know everything i stated i stated without a guilty, nagging feeling. i knew what i was saying, and i didn't exaggerate to make my case seem worse. i told her how i felt, what i think we should both do, and suggested some other options for her. i'm proud of myself, for the first time after one of our arguments, because i didn't lose my head like i usually do. i still feel like shit. -grace Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: close ev'ry door tonight (Comment on this)
Friday, July 25th, 2003
10:37 pm	francesca is fucking depressed what an abysmal day. what a horrible, saddening, sickening, abysmal day. it's amazing how rough people can be with others feelings, and the amount of disregard they hold for one another. it's just so easy to forget that other people know what you're going through, when you're at the height of aggravation. i do it. every one does it. and i hate it. i remember having to do "all that jazz" a second time, and having our choreographer get so angry, he remarked sarcastically; "gee. it's a good thing you guys aren't stupid." everyone else kind of laughed, but i was on the verge of tears. i wanted to throw down my stupid felt hat and scream some well chosen obsceneties at him, before vaulting off the stage and catching the bus home. motherfucker. can't you see i'm trying my fucking hardest? can't you see that no matter how much you make fun of us, we're never going to get it right unless you actually, heaven forbid, encourage us? what the fuck do you think we're getting out of this? confidence? self assured fucking confidence? no. no we're not. get that through your fucking head, asshole. i didn't yell. i'm glad. it would have been completely unfair, considering they're going through so much pressure, they've got to deflect some anger towards us. it's completely human. and completely disgusting. i came home in time to make it to carmin's screening. but at that point, i was just so tired and so depressed and so angry, and i couldn't leave the house with sarah still there. so when his mom called to pick me up, i told her i couldn't make it. the minute i hung up the phone, i regretted it. i almost felt like bursting out in tears. i should have gone. that's the only thought that was playing in my head. he's leaving for bamff tomorrow. tomorrow. what if he was really hoping i'd be there, and i only disappointed him? what if i made him feel like shit, the way i feel when i can never get a hold of him? the one last time we get to see each other before he spends a week in alberta, i fuck things up by deciding i'm too tired to go see the person i'm in love with. we had an hour or two long conversation on the phone, until mine started running out of batteries. we told each other that we loved each other, we'd miss each other, and we'd talk to each other as soon as possible. i don't know what i'm going to do without him, really. even when he's not there, it's always a comforting glow around me, knowing that he's going to be on MSN when i get back from an aggravating day of dancing, or he's going to be able to swing by no matter how tired he is, just so we can see each other. and now he's going to be in bamff. god, i'm depressed. i'm probably just going to lie in bed, listen to the sprinkler outside and pretend it's rain, and play "ease your mind" over and over until i snap out of this teenage angst funk. maybe i'll feel better tomorrow. -grace Current Mood: depressed Current Music: ease your mind (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 20th, 2003
10:15 am	U HAVE A SECRET CRUSH?.....FIND OUT WHO IT IS ! HERE'S WHAT U HAVE 2 DO BUT LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY!! SEND THIS LETTER 2 YOUR FRIENDS. AND IF U DONT HAVE ANY FRIENDS NO SWEAT JUST GO 2 A CHATROOM PICK OUT SOME NAMES AND BINGO! BUT REMEMBER PASS IT ON!! AND IF U DON'T PASS IT YOU WILL PAY WITH YOUR LIFE!!!! U HAVE ONE HOUR 2 SEND THIS SO HURRY. AFTER U SEND THIS A SNAIL WILL CROSS THE SCREEN AND OUT OF IT'S SHELL WILL POP OUT YOUR SECRET CRUSH'S FIRST AND LAST NAME HIS/HER ADDRESS AND PHONE NUMBER. IF U SEND THIS TO 0 PEOPLE-YOUR LUV LIFE IS OVER! U'LL PROBBALY DIE!!! 5 PEOPLE- AND YOUR! CRUSH WILL SAY HE/SHE LIKES U AS A FRIEND ONLY! 10 PEOPLE -AND YOUR CRUSH WILL SAY HE/SHE LIKES U. 15 PEOPLE-AND YOUR CRUSH WILL ASK U OUT. 20 PEOPLE -AND YOUR CRUSH WILL ASK U OVER HIS/HER HOUSE ! ; FOR DINNER. 25 PEOPLE-AND YOUR CRUSH WILL KISS U ON THE LIPS! 30 PEOPLE-AND YOUR CRUSH WILL MARRY YOU AND YOU'LL HAVE TWINS!!! SO DO ME A FAVOR AND KEEP PASSING IT ON. </font> dear me. looks like i'm doomed. 'scuse me while i go clean out my inbox and wait for death... Current Mood: amused Current Music: sweets song (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 19th, 2003
12:29 pm	francesca is writing this entry to simplify her jumbled mind. i'm going to set the record straight here, just so i can have something real i can look on and know that i actually feel the way i feel. there's a boy at my musical theatre class named david, who i've grown rather fond of. when i first saw him, i was immediately struck on how much he resembles a fictional character i occasionally right about, sam. i don't actually know if "resembles" is the right word here, "identical" is probably more fitting. naturally, i wanted to get to know him, and found that he actually talks, acts, moves, and in a sense, is like sam. it's one of the most thrilling things, finding someone who is almost identical to your character. we started hanging out sometimes at lunch, or just chatting with each other in between songs or dances. he can be a goofy guy, and it's always nice to turn around, after being aggravated about a certain step you can't do, and have him to talk to. rising action: i was talking to a friend over the net, and i was explaining something funny he had done, and how much i loved talking with him. there was a slight pause, before she typed "but i thought you were dating carmin. are you going to break up with him?" my initial reaction was fear, as i read over the words "break up with him." then my next reaction was general amusement. and then, all of a sudden, i felt guilty. i immediately typed back "no, david's just a friend." she then agreed with me, but i don't know if i have her completely convinced. last night, however, i realised that it didn't matter if she was completely convinced, because i knew i was completely convinced. carmin's face had flashed into my mind, and this surge of emotions ran up the length of my body, and i felt myself grinning, even though i wasn't even thinking of a certain memory. my stomach felt strange inside of me, and i almost started laughing, i was just suddenly so euphoric. and i realised, that was attraction. that was love. conclusion: david is a great guy. i love hanging out with him, and am wholly glad we met. i look forwards to our chats, both in real life and on MSN, and i'm going to be sad to spend less time with him at the end of the program. because i really do enjoy spending time with him. as a matter of fact, he has everything i look for in a guy. and i'm not attracted to him in the slightest. -grace Current Mood: amused Current Music: how lucky you are (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 17th, 2003
10:28 pm	francesca does some more deep thinking. on beauty, this time. it seems logical that i'd do some deep thinking on beauty, considering i have a formidal bright red pimple on the border of my upper lip. i put a lotta cream on it last night, hoping it would go away, but it pulled a fast one on me and is still here. so, of course, like your standard north american teenager, i start spreading more cream on it like mad, and wondering if i was makeup-savvy enough to try and cover it up with some super-coverup or something of the like. then, i found out i really didn't care, and left it alone. but it got me thinking. not just "why do we have to force ourselves to be beautiful?" but "why do we find certain things beautiful?" pimples are "imperfections". why? because it's a sign of bad hygeine, which is ridiculous, because there's no cream/soap/facial cleanser that can rid you completely of pimples. it's a sign of too much junk food, which is also ridiculous, because i have not yet heard of someone who went through their teenage years without touching junk food. facial hair is "imperfection". why? because it's a sign of manliness, which is stupid, because that's also defined by stereotype (example: men have manly stubble. women don't.) manliness in women is unattractive because we're supposed to be feminine, and docile, and obey our "betters". obesity is "imperfection". why? it's a sign of an unhealthy life style. need i remind you that anorexia isn't exactly a healthy form of lifestyle? i guess it's the most desirable out of the two extremes. why? because it's a sign of youth? one thing i've noticed, is that whatever "imperfection" it is that classifies us as "ugly" is usually on account of age, or aspects of us that wear away slightly. so? basically, youth is more attractive. why? god knows. maybe if the object of our affections is young, our instincts tell us whatever relationship is approaching will last longer than if the person is fifty. which makes sense. i guess if you're aiming for a "long, healthy relationship", it's nice to know the person won't die in the middle of it. but honestly. -grace speaking of beauty... i got suckered into it. usually, me and quizzes are not thisclose, but this time it was irresistable. I am the Natural Childhood is the golden paradise we are always consciously or unconsciously trying to re-create. The Natural embodies the longed-for qualities of childhood - spontaneity, sincerity, unpretentiousness. In the presence of Naturals, we feel at ease, caught up in their playful spirit, transported back to that golden age. Adopt the pose of the Natural to neutralize people's defensiveness and infect them with helpless delight. Symbol: The Lamb. So soft and endearing. At two days old the lamb can gambol gracefully; within a week it is playing "Follow the Leader." Its weakness is part of its charm. The Lamb is pure innocence, so innocent we want to possess it, even devour it. What Type of Seducer are You? created by polite_society </p> rawr. Current Mood: curious Current Music: bob-a-doo (Comment on this)
Monday, July 14th, 2003
5:05 pm	francesca is emotionally worn, and needs a long bath... kayla and i had another fight. and this one stung like a motherfucker. as we were parting company, the other day, i automatically yelled "see you tomorrow". i don't know if i'm overreacting at this next fact, or if it's something that's supposed to happen in friendships, but the next day, she's bitter with me for spending time at my grandmothers house when i was supposed to be going to a movie with her. after she had told me that i had said "see you tomorrow", she went on to tell me that she had busted a gut washing her dads car so she could get money to take us to pirates of the carribean. i was immediately excited, because for one, i love seeing movies with the b-club, and for two...pirates of the carribean. enough said. however, complications were involved with sarah being able to stay to watch it, and dad not being home at the time. so, and again, i don't know if i'm overreacting or if this is the normal thing that's supposed to happen, i said "i'm not sure if we can go." this was immediately translated into "i don't want to go" because, apparently, i didn't "sound enthused". so i spent the remainder of that conversation telling her that yes, i did want to go, but no, i was sure if i could, i need to think it over. she didn't believe me. when i accused her of not believing me she...well...she didn't believe me. frankly. all through it, she kept telling me that "it wasn't important." and that hurt. the fact that she didn't even think spending time together was important really stung, and it only made me try to convince her harder that i really wanted to. at one point, i was trying to argue my point, and was practically yelling into the receiver. before i could get another word in, she started screaming right back at me about how i never budged an inch for her and how i never bent to let her have her fun, and the next thing i know, i had thrown the reciever down onto the cradle and bit back the loudest scream i have ever felt sear up my throat. she immediately phoned back, and was extremely mad for me hanging up. i don't blame her. i just didn't want to keep speaking and say something i regretted, and i knew i was going to if i didn't hang up right then. at that point, tea told me that she couldn't see p.o.t.c. with us, because she promised mike she'd see it with him first. frankly, that was fine with me, but it wasn't fine with kayla. when i told her, she started freaking out on the other end of the phone, and started suddenly getting mad at tea for promising her boyfriend that she'd go see it with him. at this point, i was seeing red. i was literally seeing red. all i knew was that i was not going to sit there on the other end of the phone line and listen to her insult tea about something that wasn't her fault. i just glared down at the desk while i yelled "you are NOT going to get bitter at tea for promising mike she'd see it with him first. that is not fair." she muttered something else, and i screamed; "if she promised she's going to see it with him first, she is going to see it with. him. first. okay?" at one point, i just started crying. i remember covering the reciever with my hand and having tears stream down my face, and not wanting her to hear that she had hurt me so much. it's difficult, in arguments, when your emotions reach such a high pitch that you break down in tears, and i didn't want the argument to sway on account of sympathy. i'm not quiet enough, however, and she heard, and softened somewhat, and we were able to actually talk. she assured me i was right on a few counts, but i still felt horrible. you just can't scream at someone like that and then tell them they're right, it doesn't take back things that have been said before. no matter how logical the counter arguments are. the only feeling i got from that was that i'm a horrible person. i talked to my mother about our fights, and frankly, she doesn't want me to hang out with kayla any more. she thinks that she's dragging down my self esteem, and making me feel sorry for things i shouldn't feel sorry for. but i can't explain to her that i should feel sorry for these things. everything, absolutely everything kayla has ever screamed at me about, has been completely sound. completely true. kayla is my best friend. i need to learn from my mistakes, and if the only way to do that is to have her scream at me about them, then i have no call saying that i can't hang out with her again. i'm not going to. i should have written this right after it happened, instead of leaving it till now...i was almost over it until i read her journal entry, which was probably (or at least i'm hoping) written before we made up...god. if it wasn't, i don't know what i'm going to do. i love her so much, even when we're screaming at each other, i'd miss her so much if she felt that way all the time... god, i'm reading over this entry, and i almost want to delete it, i'm so ashamed of myself. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: cracked actor (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 9th, 2003
9:53 pm	francesca gets poetic i just listened to you. you amazing woman you. full of confidence and beauty and energy as you sit there on the stage, swinging your legs, smiling as we sing for you. ensemble member of the musical of the year. and you pretend to be interested in our higgelty piggelty version of "you can't stop the beat". you smile as though you are delighted. are you? afterwards, i sit on the couch, waiting for tea to get back from the washroom so we can catch the bus home. my backpack is covered in buttons that i made myself, containing a notebook full of sketchy cartoon characters and fanfiction, a binder full of broadway tunes, a pair of dance shoes, an old receipt, and an empty orange juice bottle. i've got one-fifty in my hands. i'm going to use it to get home. you said that you had little more than bus fare when you first started out. your parents wouldn't pay for any other training than nursing, so you auditioned for a scholarship in theatre training. and you won. you became a dance member and toured around the world. you've lived in japan, london, paris, new york, asia, anywhere. you're a triple threat, dancing, singing and acting all at once, moving across the stage like a writhing ball of pent up energy. you jumped and landed on your feet. you let go and hit the right note. and you did it all on scholarship and scraps from waitressing. me? i'm just going home. i'll catch the number 41 to joyce, and then take the skytrain to broadway, where i'll walk back with tea, check on the progress of the blackberry bush outside my neighbors house, and spend the rest of the day dreaming about the boy who isn't there and listening to my friends laugh over nothing at all. it's amazing how distances change from different perspectives. without one fifty, i'm stuck at the jewish community center. i'll have to borrow a cell phone from someone and call my mother, and have her go to all the trouble of driving out to pick me up, even though she's getting ready for the dinner party tonight. without one fifty, i can't get on that number 41 bus that will take me to a skytrain that will take me to my front door that will take me to the comfort of my room. with one fifty, i can bus home. i can buy a chocolate bar at the cafe, or maybe an iced tea. i can use it in a vending machine and enjoy the results for five minutes. i can buy a roll of stickers. i can buy a pair of cheap earrings. i can buy slice of pizza. i can blow it on junk food that will only make me feel fat and ugly and too large for my bones. with one fifty, you've soared. you've managed to do everything you've always wanted as easy as the rest of us manage to blink. you've lived everywhere, done everything, play everything, dance everything, sing everything, and know everything there is to know about the business. not only did one fifty get you home, it got you around the world. and as i sit here, staring at the looney and two quarters in my palm, can you understand how i'm feeling a little insuperior? but i guess i can't sit around and ponder. tea is back. and we don't want to miss our bus. -grace Current Music: ease your mind (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 8th, 2003
9:11 pm	francesca has bruises again. being punted from emotion to emotion sucks. sometimes, i really really really wish i was past this teenager stage, for more than just a few reasons. for one, the huge mood swings and emotional dips that my mind seems to take as much as your average playland freak. and for two, there is nothing, absolutely nothing i hate more, than not being taken seriously. big fat list of the two top people who do it: 1) perry ulrich, director of my musical theatre course 2) my mother. luckily, i'm not around perry ulrich 24/7. and i think if i was, i would go insane. to say he's an "upbeat" man does him no justice, really, but it's not the energy that bothers me about him. it's the way he seems to think himself superior to everyone there, whether he is or not. he'll talk with the parents normally, but if a child comes up to him with a request, he immediately sticks his nose in the air and won't listen to reason. and my mother? i think her mind is constantly dwelling in "grace is still twelve years old" mode. for one, i was practising for a solo line in "you can't stop the beat", the finale that we're doing for our musical theatre show. now, for one, i love the song. dear, dear mondie recomended it to me, and i can't possibly explain how excited i am that we are doing it. i also can't possibly explain the excellence of our dance moves set to it, the brilliance of the harmonies, and the total familiarty of the entire song, not to mention the fact that we're auditioning for solos for my very. favourite. part. however, i'm standing there at the piano, wailing my heart out, doing what i think is a pretty good job. then, i go have dinner, and she goes "you want to add a little bass to your voice. you sound like a twelve year old." boom. there goes my confidence. even if my friends think i suck, but my mother has faith in me, i know i'll be fine. i trust her to try and critisize me fairly, and to not outright insult me. so i went back to the piano to practice, but i found that i couldn't. all my confidence was gone, and i was afraid she was sitting in the kitchen, listening to me sing and cringing. it was the one of the worst images that has ever been brought to mind. so i fled to her room to practice "copacobana" as tea played david usher in mine. but then dad came home, mom came upstairs, and he took over the piano, so i really don't have anywhere left. so i think i can pretty much kiss that solo line goodbye, tomorrow. i tried to sleep, but only ended up in a state of exhausted dizziness, lying on my bed and counting crows that came into my view. mom and sarah thought i was asleep, and i deliberately didn't answer so mother dearest would leave me alone. later i wake up and take over the computer, and she comes in and, low and behold, starts nagging and ridiculing be for my memory. i almost wanted to cry. i could nearly take the joke about my voice, because once i get over the sting, i can work on it. but my memory? that is something that was i was born with. i've always had a bad memory, because i'm always day dreaming about something else, and don't have the brain capacity to think about both. so mom, if you haven't noticed by now, let me break it to you. i'm stupid. i've told kayla countless times, i've told rich countless times, and now i'm telling you. i am really quite stupid. and i'm okay with that, as long as you don't nag and ridicule me about things that i forget, because i'm always going to forget them, no matter what you say. so don't even bother. i got so distraught when she was just shooting me down with these word missiles from my doorway, i buried my face in my hands and nearly broke down in tears. then finally i just moaned into my hands. "no. go away." and she laughed. i think that was the breaking point. i didn't dare look up at her, because i knew i was going to scream my head off. so i just stared down at the computer desk and waited till her giggles faded down the hall. then, the moment i sign onto msn, kayla ims me saying "YOU REALLY NEED TO JOIN THE GROUP [offbroadway rpg] IF YOU'RE GOING TO! which you already said you were and since we've started you'd better get a bloody move on" i just flipped and started typing as fast as i could, reaming her out for being too hard on me. something i shouldn't have done, but i let my emotions get away with me, as usual. then, once i had apologised, she started comforting me, proving once again how loyal she is. and...i don't know. fuck. i feel so guilty. so guilty i just want to melt into a puddle on the floor, and reform as someone perfect, who never forgets things, pays attention to those MSN bleeps, and can do everything flawlessly. and have carmin be there. who doesn't know how fucking bad i am, and will love me and take me seriously and hold me. i want to go to sleep. -grace Current Music: sweets song (6 Comments |Comment on this)